Saturday, April 11, 2009

The 10 Recession-Era Jobs You Don’t Want Your Girlfriend to Have

As you might have heard, women who would have ordinarily never set foot in a strip club are now taking to the pole in never before seen numbers, as the failing economy makes finding work that doesn’t require degrading yourself to drunken fools more and more difficult. For you guys, that means your otherwise perfect girlfriends may now be having to do some very, um, questionable activities, just to pay her half of the rent. And stripping isn’t the only one. Here are the 10 Sexiest Recession-era Jobs You Don’t Want Your Girlfriend to Have.

The best part about your girlfriend being a stripper is that it’s honest. What I mean is, she might be getting naked in front of a bunch of dudes and grinding their dongs with her ass, but at least you know about it. With some of these other “professions,” it’s something usually illegal and way more upsetting. Also, stripping during a recession - while still lucrative - requires far fewer lap dances, since there aren’t nearly as many guys with cash to spend on a no-hands policy, expensive drinks and cotton candy glitter perfume.


You might think this is a harmless job for your girl to have. And depending on the place she’s working (and the integrity of your girlfriend), it can be. But chances are, she’s going to end up going to work with as much cleavage out as possible, where she’s surrounded by drunk dudes who are constantly asking her out and buying her drinks. Not only that, but she’ll be out every night until around 4AM - at the earliest. There’s always an after party somewhere, and if you have a 9-to-5er, you’re probably going to be asleep for most of it. And that means she can do pretty much whatever she wants, without any fear of getting busted. So, if you trust her - and she’s actually trustworthy - then it’s all good. If not, you’re going to get cheated on. Sorry, bro…

Webcam Girl

This one might not seems so bad, since there aren’t any actual dudes rubbin’ their smelly, hairy mitts on your girl. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t legions of them just waiting to! Let me put it this way: Once you show your asshole, on camera, to any horny dude with $50 bucks and a laptop, that’s not going away. That’s “haunt you for the rest of your life” sh!t. So if you think you and your girl aren’t going to have any, er, social repercussions from this, you are officially an idiot. But at least you’ll end up with a lot of sweet footage!

Porn Star

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dating a porn star who’s already a porn star is one thing. But that’s not what I’m talking about. I’m talking about that chick who’s in the kitchen wearing sweatpants, pouring a bowl of granola, suddenly starts spending her time boning dudes with much larger dicks than you, on film, for the entire world to see. And that’s a good day! (Becoming a porn star is actually really hard, and generally involves living in L.A.) Now, I understand, there could be some advantages to this situation, like a way crazier sex life and probably a lot of free lube. But something tells me that will last about four minutes before you realize WTF is happening and start to hate your life.

Hooters Girl

La créme de la créme of sexy jobs. Seriously, working at Hooters or any number of other “Breastraunts” is an awesome job. Not only does you’re girlfriend not have to get naked, touch anybody, or be constantly surrounded by extremely drunk guys at 3AM, she still makes a butt-load of cash. We’ve heard stories of girls working at Hooters for only three months and being able to afford a freakin’ BMW. But that was in San Diego, not during the recession. So something tells us that, for most people these days, it’ll be more like a used Toyota Camery. But that’s still a win in our book.

Cocktail Waitress

At first, this one seems like a pretty good deal. She brings home a ton of tips, and looks F’ing hot in her mini-skirt. But beware. These girls come home with so many g*ddamn numbers, it’ll make the inside of her purse look like Tim Geithner’s trash can. Not to mention that the kind of places that are hiring cocktail waitresses these days are mostly frequented by rich dudes. And you know what’s better than being a cocktail waitress in a recession? F**king a rich dude.

Craigslist Masseuse

There’s absolutely nothing wrong or sexual about being a professional masseuse. But to do that takes proper training and certification. That’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is her throwing up an ad on Craigslist with her picture and a flirty write-up, trying to make a quick buck. If that’s the case, she’s not going to be doing many massages. That is, unless you consider secretly jacking-off any 57-year-old accountant who’s too much of a pussy to get a real hooker a massage…


Believe it or not, there are some escorts who really just escort, like going with guys to dinner or a charity events - no in-out involved. I know! Crazy, right? Unfortunately for you, most of them are just “classy” hookers. And even if your chick started out prim and proper, all it takes is flashing $1000 in her face for her morals to go out the window, along with your relationship. So if this job even enters into your girl’s realm of possible recession-era career choices, you should probably just break up with her right then and there, save yourself a giant pain in the ass. (And by ‘pain in the ass,’ I mean getting herpes.)

Nude Art Model

As far as the straight-up naked jobs go, this one is the least, um, invasive. Yes, strangers will see your chick naked. But all they’ll be doing is trying to draw her for a couple of hours while she holds herself perfectly still, which is a hell of a lot better than most of the other jobs on this list. Thing is, this job takes some practice - holding perfectly still isn’t exactly easy, and the pay is crap compared to stripping or even bartending. But at least you’ll be able to safely assume she’s not blowing some dude in the back of a limo.

Promo Girl

Like many of the jobs on this list, being a promo girl usually involves wearing skimpy, revealing clothing, acting flirty towards tons of dudes and a hell of a lot of liquor. A lot of the time, these girls are pushing some type of product, either beer or cigarettes or any other thing that appeals to drunk people. And like cocktail waitresses and bartenders, expect your girl to come home with a hell of a lot of numbers from wanting dudes.


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